So now that the Reunion is right around the proverbial corner, let's get down to the serious business of last minute prep. If you are savvy enough to be reading this post you're already a step ahead of your classmates who aren't. But, don't be too complacent; there still is a lot of work to do before July 26.
1. Look in the mirror. Seriously, look closely. That really is you. Not the same as 1963 but really you nevertheless. Note the facial hairs that are in the wrong place. Examine the nose hairs that are in the right place but need extraction anyway. Gently run your fingers over those wrinkles that seem to have appeared from nowhere. It's too late for Botox and face peels - the puffiness and redness might not disappear in time. But hey, a little astringent might help. And for the guys, a turtle neck even in the summer. For the ladies, a nice silk scarf.
2. Now proceed upward toward the scalp. Hair thinner than in your Yearbook picture? Welcome to the 'Receding Hair Club'. How about the color? Silver, salt & pepper, black, brown, auburn, blond streaks. Whatever. Only your hairdresser knows for sure. And s/he won't tell on you, if you've tipped well.
3. For this step, you'll need a full length mirror.
Guys: Do you need a 'man-ssiere' or 'bro'? Don't get the reference? OK. Check out old 'Seinfeld' episode - Jerry Stiller as George Costanza's father discussing with Kramer a name for the latter's scheme - a bra for aging men.
Ladies: I'll pass on a comparable garment suggestion for you. I don't want to have the crap slapped out of me when I arrive in Highland Park.
Guys: Can you see your toes without looking in the mirror or bending over? Do you need your distance glasses to count them? Can you suck in your gut enough to wear that belt that your grand-daughter got you for your birthday? Or do you just give up and go with suspenders for that Mayberry look. Don't even think about getting into the Speedo. Absolutely no one would want to see that.
Ladies: You'll have no trouble seeing your toes, smartly gleaming from your recent pampering at the local Korean nails joint. And while your old bikini might fit, would you really want to go through all of the painful epilation that would be required for you to be seen in it. (Look it up. You'll know.)
4. Have you noticed by now that my sanity has left me along with most of my short-term memory and myriad other charming qualities.
My genes are so weird that Watson and Crick wouldn't recognize them. The men in my family thought that DNA stood for 'Damn Nice Ass.' The women thought it stood for 'Do Not Approach.' It's a wonder that the twain ever met.
The lady with whom I share my life says, 'For heaven's sake, don't encourage him!' She's absolutely right about that. So even if my warped sense of humor prompted the slightest chuckle, please, for the sake of your classmates, don't tell me. See you in a month - unless you see me first. XOXO.
